Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Grief...

April 10 near College Station
I am asked often these days "How are you doing?" 
 That is hard to answer honestly because minute by minute my emotions and thoughts change. 
 
Sometimes, things are just moving forward, the way life forces me to with 5 other children to homeschool, a husband, and a home to care for and I am doing well. Then sometimes grief overwhelms me like freight train, usually at night when all is quiet...too quiet. 
 
Tonight my heart is broken, all over again, at the emptiness of my arms. The little face i stared at every minute i was awake for 3 months seems like a distant memory and that scares me. Looking at Caroline's pictures bring the memories flooding back quickly but it hurts so much to not hold her again and it makes me miss her even more. I can almost feel her soft skin and smell her hair...and even trace the swirls on the top of her head. But my arms are still empty and my mama heart hurts unbearably in these moments.
 
I am so thankful for the time God gave us with her but i mourn the emptiness she left behind. I am also thankful for a loving and gracious God who gently comforts me when i can't take any more. I have hope for the day that I will see her again and that's what makes me move forward.
 
Life is fragile. Hug your children tightly. Never let a day pass that you don't tell them you love them and what a blessing they are to you. No one is guaranteed tomorrow. Have no regrets.
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